♥ strawberry shortcake

Saturday, May 12, 2007

sigh. i was reading a friend's blog; well, life isnt going to well for her relationship-wise.

and i feel as if i've left this all behind ever since entering med school.it's almost as if my mind is too full, too occupied, too exhausted to leave any room for my heart to express itself. and it pays off, my results testify to that. i never expected to do that well (comparatively) having expected to barely pass for some of my subjects. and yet, i wonder if that's enough. whether im doing enough to prepare myself for the challenges that lie ahead as a doctor. pure studying isnt enough yet sometimes i know that i wld't be able to live with myself if i didnt try hard enough. if i had a "just pass can already" mentality. but with the luxury of passing comes the self-doubt of whether i could have spent my time more meaningfully.

but that's totally off tangent. i feel as if part of me's rather lost. as if it's been irrevocably scarred. or, not scarred but rather still whole but a little scraped -- and altogether stronger, but also more timorous. the self pat-down tells me that, though still wondering if i like the result.

dear, if you're reading this just know that, that little part of my heart that has been nicked wants to bust out that no good ever comes out of waiting. that you shd't -ever- have to settle for less than your expectations because one that that small bit that was missing inevitably comes to mean a whole chunk of your relationship. that disappointment can be the most cruel of all, it hurts. that failed expectations and second chances sometime come at a great price to yourself.

BUT, the other half of me tells you to plunge right into it because hard smack when you hit the ground was worth every bit of the fall. and if you guys talk it out and set expectations straight it'd be wonderful aye? and if you protect your heart forever it'll never be able to find true happiness. so take heart dear, you're strong, it'll be alright. im just a call away ya?

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Alfred Tennyson - 1850

Never Again
-Melba C. Flores

He's walking away from me.
His back is tense, and I know he's angry with me.
I suppose he's got a right to be angry.
He's looking back at me now with that look in his eyes.
The look that says I've disappointed him again.
I know I'm a coward for not even trying.
He's been waiting twenty years,
and I can't even try.

He's getting in his truck,
Heading back to that empty place he calls home.
Soon I'll have to go back to my own empty life,
and wait for the next time we can see each other again.
It's not so different from what we've done for the last two decades.
Except, I have this awful feeling that something's going to happen.
This feeling is so over powering,
making it hard to breathe.

Every second takes him
further and further away from me.
I want to go after him.
I want to beg him to stay
and never leave my side.
Why couldn't I just tell him what he wanted to hear?
Why couldn't I just tell him I love him?

Instead, I say nothing.
I do nothing.
I just stand and watch him disappear,
not having the courage to call him back.

A tear runs down my cheek.
Somehow, I know,
deep in my soul,
I will never
See Jack again.

SWEETlove
3:39 pm